2 steps forward, 3 steps back

sundays are the best days to veg. its allowed and you dont have to feel lazy because thats what the origin of sundays are, a day of rest.  sundays are also great because it helps you reflect on the weekend that you're recovering from. Especially rainy sundays! 

this weekend was nutts. i don't know how or why i decided to party so hard but this is what i did:

thursday was bowling. i think the highest i scored was a 47. i was able to confess to the manager that back in the day he caught me for using my fake id and i was kicked out but decided to come back because i am now of age.  he thought it was funny.  i spent 15 dollars on vodka and took the last 3 dollars to my name and ran to del taco by myself in my bowling shoes and munched.  i am trying to remember what happened later that night but this whole weekend is quite a blur.

friday. oh dear friday i hate you because you get me so drunk and then i have work on saturday.  but this friday we went to the vu for Kounterfeit Change.  they are so fun and the music is just so damn danceable.  i dont know how or what happened but i was a shit show dance machine unstoppable.  i barfed in the portopotty and announced it to a billion people. i also begged the bouncer not to tell my boss about my secret life because they are related.  i love dancing.

saturday. it seriously started with a beer and a couch. then i had to deal with cougars, fungus, emotional cry babies, a full size bed in the same room as a cali queen which became a 60s lounge, a bob marley god, pictures, love, peace, and happiness. thats all im saying.

who wouldn't love this life!? i look at my pictures and just cry of laughter.  im so grateful to be apart of a family again. i just hope i dont ever wear out my welcome.  but thats the beauty of relationships, giving them depth. shit. drama. issues. drugs. ;] my best friends have been the toughest people to deal with but i would do anything for them.

i miss them.  my patterns of life are so weird. i have always done what i am doing now.  2 steps forward, 3 steps back.  prior to my new life, my dreams and desires were so passionate in my brain that nothing could get in the way. Now i feel so content, happy that it is so hard to keep dreaming.  i know what i want but the chemicals that keep ingesting are robbing me of my ambitions one at a time.  i dont want to settle because i am bored. i want to travel the world, work hard, be an actress, do what i love.  but does passion outweigh dreams? the present outweigh the future? i know it doesn't but the piece of me that knows better is overpowered by the piece of me that is truly living up my twenties. i just dont want to be stuck in an office every day for the rest of my life at a mediocre job making mediocre money. i know i dont want to live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life and i know i dont want to be stuck in los angeles every day for the rest of my life. 

yesterday my coworker was telling me how he watched the special on tv about people who drink a lot.they literally drown their lives away in alcohol. people who drink and party as much as i do usually never accomplish anything in life. and i dont want to insult anyone who is reading this but this is the shit that plays over and over in my brain and if i dont get it out, it will be there like a rock. 

so what i am contemplating and debating is, what is the most important thing right now? the harder you work, the bettter it pays off in the long run. but i do not want to waste this prime time in the few years i have to live.  the average lifespan of a human is 80 or so years.  if i take ten of those, 1/8 of my life, and have fun and then take another 1/8 to focus on my career and settling, i guess it should work out. but i used to be so good at combining the two. im drowning. and fuck settling. this world is too big. i dont ever want to settle.  good things never come easy. damn. lately i have been getting so bitter at people with $ that dont have to work for it. finances are paralyzing. i dont want to be super rich and i really dont mind if i have nice things or not. but what i need to do is be able to pay my bills and have a little bit of comfortable spending money, and oh yea TRAVEL money! i dont want my talents to go to waste. i dont want to loose my people skills. i dont not want to excersize the goods that i am lucky enough to have. i am a lucky lucky lucky girl. i just want to continue to show my gratitude. 

i love love. i love people. i love this time. 

keep fighting. ill figure it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA-i4ti2OQI

"Last Living Souls" Gorillaz

Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Take a gun
Or how you say
That's no way you behave
Just a law, a new begin
Sing a song that doesn't sin
And it grows
Hey, you know
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last to get away to some another day?
Do we know
Well, we know
Doesn't seem to be complete
Are we, are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Get up, get up, get up, get up...
What you say?
Cause all I was on
I got it down wrong
I see myself to get
And the Lord, seeing all now
Can you take us in
The part that comin' on
The coldest man doesn't see it's all
We go to the car
I see you walk to the far
And when you get there do you see
You fit the last you need on meCause we're the last living souls
We're the last living souls
Yeah, we're the last living souls
We're the last living souls

Dear Mumford and Sons, Thank you for inspiring me with the banjo!

I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be alive.  I am truly happier then I have ever been. No pressure, no depression, small group of friends, no drama. I have been talking to a few people lately about my past and where I have come from. My poor choices though have taught me to enjoy the finer things in life, take safe risks, and to live life to the fullest without being to fucked up to enjoy them.  It's taught me to appreciate my family, friends, and honestly, myself. 

My goal in this blog is to be completely honest with my readers and myself and i was just about to type when I realized I was going to leave out a piece of the puzzle (aka lying, thanks Dad for teaching me that leaving things out is equivalent to lying). The other night for the first time in my life, I ate magical mushrooms. After looking up the side effects, I decided this would be probably one of the more rather safe drugs I took.  What an experience; spiritually, emotionally, physically, logically, basically anything that ends in "ally" is the kind of experience it was. For those of you who don't know me well, I went through the last two and a half years of religious experience to the full. I refuse to discuss this matter with anyone, especially while under the influence, but I strongly believe that this experience truly has helped shape who I am and will probably be consistantly discussed through my blogs.  Anyways, since this religious experience, I rarely pray, yet alone think optimistically about God.  I can tell you though, and I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but through this hallucinogenic experience, I finally had a break through.  I prayed. I finally appreciated God again.  As shameful and lost as it sounds, what the mushrooms did essentially is that it intensified and magnified color, shape, and sound in which tend to be the 3 symptoms of the 3 most effective senses; sight, touch, and hearing.  This helped me appreciate what God has done in this world. Although I am not ready to return to my life of religiosity, it helped me not be so afraid.  And although I dont agree that God and drugs coincide, I am thankful that I am able to appreciate what God has done in my life.

I love the Kooks. In fact, I love everything that comes out of the UK.  Every song, every movie, every actor, British people! I need to find someone who will have the patience to help me record a British rap album! It could be so much fun. 

If there is one thing I have learned about myself in the last few months, it is that I have not followed my dreams. Yet it has taken me  quite the road to get here to figure out exactly what I want to do. In my heart of hearts, I am an artist. I am a dreamer. I am a traveler. I am a creator.  I cannot be told what to do but I can be shaped and molded. I can be dressed and educated.  Now hiring: Someone to take on a project with a lot of energy, insecurity, and love. I finally just understood the song "Take Me On". I dare you, take me on.  And if you can't but know someone who is willing, please send them my way.

I'm sick of being guarded and insecure. My biggest fear is never falling in love. I haven't been able to even try. I have walls. Break them down.

Next stop: Israel in May. New York in August. London in Spring.

Aderol would be nice. Like I said, transferring my thoughts to CyberSpace before they make me crazy.