2 steps forward, 3 steps back

sundays are the best days to veg. its allowed and you dont have to feel lazy because thats what the origin of sundays are, a day of rest.  sundays are also great because it helps you reflect on the weekend that you're recovering from. Especially rainy sundays! 

this weekend was nutts. i don't know how or why i decided to party so hard but this is what i did:

thursday was bowling. i think the highest i scored was a 47. i was able to confess to the manager that back in the day he caught me for using my fake id and i was kicked out but decided to come back because i am now of age.  he thought it was funny.  i spent 15 dollars on vodka and took the last 3 dollars to my name and ran to del taco by myself in my bowling shoes and munched.  i am trying to remember what happened later that night but this whole weekend is quite a blur.

friday. oh dear friday i hate you because you get me so drunk and then i have work on saturday.  but this friday we went to the vu for Kounterfeit Change.  they are so fun and the music is just so damn danceable.  i dont know how or what happened but i was a shit show dance machine unstoppable.  i barfed in the portopotty and announced it to a billion people. i also begged the bouncer not to tell my boss about my secret life because they are related.  i love dancing.

saturday. it seriously started with a beer and a couch. then i had to deal with cougars, fungus, emotional cry babies, a full size bed in the same room as a cali queen which became a 60s lounge, a bob marley god, pictures, love, peace, and happiness. thats all im saying.

who wouldn't love this life!? i look at my pictures and just cry of laughter.  im so grateful to be apart of a family again. i just hope i dont ever wear out my welcome.  but thats the beauty of relationships, giving them depth. shit. drama. issues. drugs. ;] my best friends have been the toughest people to deal with but i would do anything for them.

i miss them.  my patterns of life are so weird. i have always done what i am doing now.  2 steps forward, 3 steps back.  prior to my new life, my dreams and desires were so passionate in my brain that nothing could get in the way. Now i feel so content, happy that it is so hard to keep dreaming.  i know what i want but the chemicals that keep ingesting are robbing me of my ambitions one at a time.  i dont want to settle because i am bored. i want to travel the world, work hard, be an actress, do what i love.  but does passion outweigh dreams? the present outweigh the future? i know it doesn't but the piece of me that knows better is overpowered by the piece of me that is truly living up my twenties. i just dont want to be stuck in an office every day for the rest of my life at a mediocre job making mediocre money. i know i dont want to live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life and i know i dont want to be stuck in los angeles every day for the rest of my life. 

yesterday my coworker was telling me how he watched the special on tv about people who drink a lot.they literally drown their lives away in alcohol. people who drink and party as much as i do usually never accomplish anything in life. and i dont want to insult anyone who is reading this but this is the shit that plays over and over in my brain and if i dont get it out, it will be there like a rock. 

so what i am contemplating and debating is, what is the most important thing right now? the harder you work, the bettter it pays off in the long run. but i do not want to waste this prime time in the few years i have to live.  the average lifespan of a human is 80 or so years.  if i take ten of those, 1/8 of my life, and have fun and then take another 1/8 to focus on my career and settling, i guess it should work out. but i used to be so good at combining the two. im drowning. and fuck settling. this world is too big. i dont ever want to settle.  good things never come easy. damn. lately i have been getting so bitter at people with $ that dont have to work for it. finances are paralyzing. i dont want to be super rich and i really dont mind if i have nice things or not. but what i need to do is be able to pay my bills and have a little bit of comfortable spending money, and oh yea TRAVEL money! i dont want my talents to go to waste. i dont want to loose my people skills. i dont not want to excersize the goods that i am lucky enough to have. i am a lucky lucky lucky girl. i just want to continue to show my gratitude. 

i love love. i love people. i love this time. 

keep fighting. ill figure it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA-i4ti2OQI

"Last Living Souls" Gorillaz

Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Take a gun
Or how you say
That's no way you behave
Just a law, a new begin
Sing a song that doesn't sin
And it grows
Hey, you know
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last to get away to some another day?
Do we know
Well, we know
Doesn't seem to be complete
Are we, are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Are we the last living souls?
Get up, get up, get up, get up...
What you say?
Cause all I was on
I got it down wrong
I see myself to get
And the Lord, seeing all now
Can you take us in
The part that comin' on
The coldest man doesn't see it's all
We go to the car
I see you walk to the far
And when you get there do you see
You fit the last you need on meCause we're the last living souls
We're the last living souls
Yeah, we're the last living souls
We're the last living souls