I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be alive. I am truly happier then I have ever been. No pressure, no depression, small group of friends, no drama. I have been talking to a few people lately about my past and where I have come from. My poor choices though have taught me to enjoy the finer things in life, take safe risks, and to live life to the fullest without being to fucked up to enjoy them. It's taught me to appreciate my family, friends, and honestly, myself.
My goal in this blog is to be completely honest with my readers and myself and i was just about to type when I realized I was going to leave out a piece of the puzzle (aka lying, thanks Dad for teaching me that leaving things out is equivalent to lying). The other night for the first time in my life, I ate magical mushrooms. After looking up the side effects, I decided this would be probably one of the more rather safe drugs I took. What an experience; spiritually, emotionally, physically, logically, basically anything that ends in "ally" is the kind of experience it was. For those of you who don't know me well, I went through the last two and a half years of religious experience to the full. I refuse to discuss this matter with anyone, especially while under the influence, but I strongly believe that this experience truly has helped shape who I am and will probably be consistantly discussed through my blogs. Anyways, since this religious experience, I rarely pray, yet alone think optimistically about God. I can tell you though, and I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but through this hallucinogenic experience, I finally had a break through. I prayed. I finally appreciated God again. As shameful and lost as it sounds, what the mushrooms did essentially is that it intensified and magnified color, shape, and sound in which tend to be the 3 symptoms of the 3 most effective senses; sight, touch, and hearing. This helped me appreciate what God has done in this world. Although I am not ready to return to my life of religiosity, it helped me not be so afraid. And although I dont agree that God and drugs coincide, I am thankful that I am able to appreciate what God has done in my life.
I love the Kooks. In fact, I love everything that comes out of the UK. Every song, every movie, every actor, British people! I need to find someone who will have the patience to help me record a British rap album! It could be so much fun.
If there is one thing I have learned about myself in the last few months, it is that I have not followed my dreams. Yet it has taken me quite the road to get here to figure out exactly what I want to do. In my heart of hearts, I am an artist. I am a dreamer. I am a traveler. I am a creator. I cannot be told what to do but I can be shaped and molded. I can be dressed and educated. Now hiring: Someone to take on a project with a lot of energy, insecurity, and love. I finally just understood the song "Take Me On". I dare you, take me on. And if you can't but know someone who is willing, please send them my way.
I'm sick of being guarded and insecure. My biggest fear is never falling in love. I haven't been able to even try. I have walls. Break them down.
Next stop: Israel in May. New York in August. London in Spring.
Aderol would be nice. Like I said, transferring my thoughts to CyberSpace before they make me crazy.
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