When at Home, Do as the homebodies do.

I don't know if it is the weekend recovery that's getting the best of me or if it is the fallen dreams.  Either way, I'm happy to have an empty house tonight and have some self reflection.  It's interesting when you have been on two totally opposite ends of the spectrum.  Sobriety vs. alcoholic.  You know the ins and outs of how the brain works and the psychology of yourself; the monster you can be, the saint you have the potential to be as well. 

To be completely real with myself, (and trust me, this is so hard to say because of the pride in my soul of admitting to being wrong) I am a slave to the party.  I am the epitome of the RHCP song when they say "can't stop, addicted to the shindig."  I sat here and promised myself that if I was going back to this world, I wouldn't loose my hopes or dreams.  I wouldn't loose my passions or settle out of boredom.  I was the biggest dreamer I knew and that is saying a lot. I also wanted to use all of my talents to their full ability.  I am 21 years old with a long life [God willing] ahead of me.  The adults around me say to live this time up and the peers around me say to go full throtle.  Yet, looking back upon what I've gone through and learned, my fear is that I will let this world entangle me and prevent me from doing the above mentioned desires.  Partying is a thief.  I am the victim of this animal.  I am a self imposed victim.  It's not that I want to get out either and that's the lie of the drug, the nature of the beast.  It's stolen my self control.  I read these amazing stories about artists and musicians and envy them because they have the talent to live this crazy life and do what they love. 
3 months ago, i was planning on being in SF right now.  6 months ago, I was planning on being in NY right now.  1 year ago, I was planning on being in London right now.  Today, I sit in my living room, trapped in this beaten body debating what to do next.  It's like high school.  Either you get the grades and it pays off later or you live it up and look back and have some awesome memories. 

Quarter life crisis are the worst.  It's just such an awkward time.  What do I want to do with my life!?!?!?!?!?!

Tired ramble. <3 the below song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfJVi1--Pxg